Spaghetti Eastern

My name is Doctor Fancyboots. If you've heard of me, you probably know me as a field agent for the Bureau of Narrative Compliance in the capital city of Chin'llyein. However, as a wizard, I am occasionally employed by other organisations seeking other types of compliance. This is one of the less than savoury assignments given to me, known as the Capital's Lower Cases. Specifically, I was assigned to investigate the Under Side, one of the three boroughs of the city under mob control. I ducked into one of the best Capital restaurants, the Gnu Deli, to meet with my informant.

"One mustard and pickle sandwich, please, Tommy."
"Sure thing, Fancyboots."

Ordering a mustard and pickle sandwich was sort of a secret code among the gangsters in this joint, a way of saying you're in the "in" crowd. I found this out when I ordered one because I was hungry and was suddenly approached by a bunch of mafiosi. The deli owner, Tommy Gunn, said he chose that as the code because he didn't think anyone would ever order such a sandwich. I don't know why, as I have a mustard and pickle sandwich for lunch every day.

"So, Tommy," I asked him, "How's the Don been?"
"Oh, you know. Same as ever. Though, today's a bit special."
"Well, yeah. It is Leap Day, and all, I suppose."
"Not just that, though. Tina's gettin' married today."
"Really? I ought go congratulate the ol' man, then."

Valentina Fetuccini was the youngest of the Don's three hundred and sixty six daughters, and until now, the only one of 'em to not be married. As it turns out, Tommy was also married to one of the Don's girls, and so he called him by a special name.

"Yeah, go on down, Fancyboots. I'm sure the Father-in-Law would love to meetcha. I'll have Luca take you to 'im."

That's when a big, burly man came from the back room and waved at me.
"Hey, Fancyboot. You wanna see the Father-in-Law? I take you to 'im."
That was Luca Sfilm. He wasn't much in the way of brains, but his heart and his brawn were unmatched. And he was well known for being able to get any secrets out of captured enemies with his techniques. Luca Sfilm's "special effects", as they called them, were the best in the industry.

"Alright, out to the car, 'Boots."
"Sure thing, Luca."
After that, he took me out to a car sitting out front and gave me a blindfold.
"Do I gotta?"
"You know the rules, 'Boots."
"I 'spose I do."

I acquiesced to the demand, and put on the blindfold. Luca drove the car around every which direction so I couldn't track the path, and then we finally arrived at the secret location of Don Fetuccini's hideout… the Gnu Deli. Luca took the blindfold of me and lead me into the shop's basement, where the Father-in-Law was waiting in his office.

Alfonso Fetuccini was a large and intimidating man, but he was a man who cared about his family. His goons didn't just call him the Father-in-Law because they were married to his daughters (although most of them were). He really did care about his men and treat them like his own children. That even extended to people outside of the Fetuccini family business, as I had come to learn in the past. Unfortunately, this did mean I owed him some favours, which I would be reminded of all too soon.

"Thomas Smith! My dear wizard friend, I am so delighted you would come to see me on the day of my youngest daughter's wedding!"
"Of course, Father-in-Law! I came to the last three hundred and sixty five, didn't I?"
"Yes, you did. You were always a good friend of the family, Tom. And I'm glad to see you here today. I have a question for you."
"Ask away, Father-in-Law!"
"Well, Thomas, do you fear Death?"
"Not one bit!"
"Not in the slightest? Not his pale, unwavering expression? Not his sharp, bloodstained scythe?"
"Of course not! Death is overhyped! I've managed to avoid him plenty of times before! Even cheated him in a card game more than once."
"Do you stand by what you said, Thomas?"
"Of cour--"

Only then did I realise. The Don's phone was laying on his desk, and it was off the hook, unlike me. He brought the receiver to his mouth.

"Ya hear that, Grim? Boy thinks he can take ya."

Death had heard everything I had just said. He'd been on the phone with Fetuccini this whole time! I was a fool. I fell victim to one of the classic blunders-- never go in against a Sicilian when Death is on the line!

Fetuccini hung up the phone and spoke.
"Look, Thomas, it is the day of my youngest daughter's wedding. And you have always been a good friend to me. I will manage things between you and Death if you are willing to do a little favour for me, capisce?"
"Of course, Father-in-Law! Anything for you and your family!"
"Alright, son. Listen well. I want you to deliver some information for me to the Far East Side."

The Far East Side?! That district's under the control of the terrifying yakuza boss, Ryuunoyouni Hachikyu-san! As terrifying as the Under Side can be, at least the mafia tend to keep regular citizens away from harm!

"Certainly, Father-in-Law."
"You see, I think we can set up a truce in our ongoing territory war. Both Ryuunoyouni and I are under some pressure from the new mob boss who just took over the Other Side, Alka Pwn. He's controlling the information superhighway, and it's making it tough for both of our men to sneak around."
"So you want me to propose this offer to him?"
"Exactly, Tom. I can't go exposing myself at such a dangerous time as this. But don't worry, I'll make sure you stay safe. I'll send you through the Canals with two of my best men: Martini and Linguine."

The Canals were the mafia's way of getting through the Capital while evading the police and other mobsters. They had overtaken the sewers of the city with a vast network of complicated pumps and gates, and only the Fetuccini family's Plumbers knew how to operate them. The only problem was they were still in the sewers, full of all sorts of unsavoury wildlife.

"Once you make it to the Far East side, you'll be met by the liaison between the Fetuccini and Ryuunoyouni families, Al Pachinko. He'll take you up to the boss, where you can deliver my message. That's all for now. Luca will take you to the Canals. Capisce?"
"Capisce. Thank you, Father-in-Law."

From there, Luca led me out of the Don's office, and to a different room in the basement of the Gnu Deli. There was a manhole cover on the ground, which the burly man quickly lifted out of its cutout.
"Go on, Boots. The boss thanks you. Martinelli and Linguine are waiting down below."
"Thanks, Luca. Have fun at the wedding."

I climbed down the ladder that was underneath the manhole, and was surprised to feel the ground shaking beneath my feet. That's when a bright lantern turned on, which I quickly realised was hanging on the edge of a gondola-- and shortly thereafter realised I was standing in the very same gondola.

The gondola driver spoke up first, introducing himself.
"I'm Marlin Branddeal. Don Fetuccini personally contracted my naval navigation company for all of the equipment and boats used in the Canals. Behind you are Martinelli Lingunie and Linguine Linguine."
"Hey paisano," said the short and fat one, "I'm-a Martinelli Linguine. And that's my older brother," he said pointing to a very tall and skinny guy who had to hunch over to even fit in the sewers.
"Linguine. Nice to meet you."

The Linguine brothers began to mess around with some pipes until water started flowing, while Marlin adjusted his lantern until we could all see clearly, and then started to row us along.
"Bit of a shame we'll miss Valentina's wedding," remarked Martinelli.
"Are both of you married into the Fetuccini family, as well?" I asked them.
"Oh, no," said Linguine. "My wife isn't even Italiano-- she is from Spain."
"Mine as well," added Martinelli, "My princess is another Castilian."
"I am married to his fourty-eighth daughter," remarked Marlin. "It is that connection which led him to use exclusively my naval goods. But we are all sad we cannot be with the Father-in-Law for Valentina's special day. Oh well. Business is business, I suppose."

Before we could reminisce about the Don too long, we noticed the water seemed to be acting strange.
"What's-a wrong, Marty-o?"
"A-nothing, Linguine, other than you are-a letting the water flow too fast!"
"I did not change it at all!"
"Then why is it flowing so oddly?!"
"Shh," Marlin quieted the brothers. He paddled slightly further down the stream and we ran into one of those big, floaty plastic red-and-white naval marker things. He used his oar to lift it out of the water, revealing the underside had been completely devoured by something!
"Look how they massacred my buoy…"
Before he could mourn for too long, however, a fish jumped up for another bite! At least, it was behaving like a fish, but it looked more like a bundle of seaweed to me.

"Plant Piranhas!" explained Martinelli.
"They thrive down here!" added Linguine, "We've got to get out of here, quickly! Martinelli, open the floodgates!"
Martinelli pulled one of the levers on a pipe to the side of the canal, and we were suddenly moving a lot faster. We could barely stand, so the Linguine brothers and I squatted down, but Martin kept steering the boat.
"If we want to get to the Far East side from here, we've got to reach the Highwaters," informed Martin. "I was heading to the Lasanga C-3 path because it was safest, but we'll need a shortcut! Which way is quickest, Linguine?"
Linguine stood up some more and glanced around, before quickly spotting an opened gate. "Highwaters? There! Cannoli B-1!"
Marlin deftly steered the vessel down the path and the piranha-invested waters rushed by us, causing us all to breathe a sigh of relief.

It wasn't much longer until we stopped in front of a ladder, and Marlin and the Bros. bid me farewell. I climbed up, just barely managing to push the manhole cover out of the way while hanging onto the ladder. When I did, a hand reached down and helped me up.

"You must be Fancyboots, huh? Boss said you'd be coming about the Alka Pwn situation."
"And you're Al Pachinko, I assume?"
"Bingo, buddy. My mama, Ma Zhong, is good friends with Don Fetuccini's wife, Mamma Mia. As such, I'm the only goon both the mafia and the yakuza are willing to trust. Though you have quite a reputation yourself with your various escapades, Doc."
"Hopefully a favourable one. I've worked with the Fetuccini family in the past, but I don't come to the Far East Side often enough to know about Ryuunoyouni or his men."
"Well, I'll introduce you to him. Come on, now get in the car."

It was only then that I realised we were outside an abandoned warehouse in an empty part of town, where a car was waiting for us.
"Get in the back," requested Pachinko, and I did as he said. He then handed me a blindfold.
"Put this on so you don't know where--"
"Yeah, I know the deal."
I put on the blindfold and let him drive me around a bit. Finally, he parked, and took me out of the car. He then took the blindfold off to reveal we were at the same abandoned warehouse.
"Come on in."

The inside of the warehouse was full of pachinko machines, mahjong tables, and various dice and card games. As much as I was dreading meeting with the boss, all the tables were full, so I didn't get to take some time to relax first…
Al Pachinko took me straight to the back, and after knocking out a peculiar pattern, we were let into a room with Ryuunoyouni Hachikyu-san himself.

"So, you're Fancyboots, eh?"
"This is him, boss."
"Yes, sir."
"You're dismissed, Pachinko. Leave me with this guy. If that's fine with you, Tom?"
"Certainly, Ryuunoyouni-san."
With that, I was left alone with the boss of the town's yakuza, quite a terrifying situation.
"Now, I don't know how much Alfonso told you, but he and I have been fighting over the Other Side for a while."
"Yeah, he said Alka Pwn had taken over the territory?"
"Yeah. Without access to the Information Superhighway, we've got no way to transport our goods. Sure, Fetuccini has the Canals, but the animals down there would devour any shipments."
"So it's in both of your best interests if we can get the Information Superhighway freed up?"
"Bingo, Tom. Though, I do have some selfish reasons, too. Ever since that Azathoth corporation started taking online orders, they've needed tons of warehouses. As such, the number of abandoned warehouses in the city has gone way down! It's impossible for me to run my business without 'em. If I get a hold on the Information Superhighway before the Don does, I'll be able to lock down Azathoth and get my warehouses back."
"So, you'll agree to work with the Don to fight against Alka Pwn?"
"Absolutely. There's a payphone outside. Use it to let the Father-in-Law's men know the deal is on."

I stepped outside and rang up the deli.
"Fancyboots? That you?"
"Yeah, it's me. The deal is on."
"Got it. I'll bring the equipment tonight. Tell Ryuunoyouni that we'll meet him at Exit 2 of the Information Superhighway for a showdown with Alka Pwn."
"You got it. See you there."
I hung up the payphone, and nodded to Al Pachinko, who carried the message on to the boss. The deal was on, and I was about to be involved in a three-way gang shootout.

Later that night, I got into a car with Ryuunoyouni and Al Pachinko, and we pulled up to the agreed upon location, where Don Fetuccini was already waiting for us. The bosses and their men piled out of their cars, and started to look around. Just then, something whizzed by and got stuck in a tree. It was an arrow with a note on it.

"Luca, go bring that over here," Fetuccini ordered. Luca did as he was asked, and the Don and Ryuunoyouni pored over the note.
"Sorry, Fancyboots," the Don informed me. "Looks like Alka Pwn has been keeping an eye on you. It looks like he wants a chance to talk to you personally. Go on across the street, hands up."

I did as the Father-in-Law commanded, and made my way across, tenser than ever. Once I finally made it across, a big guy in a bowler hat came out of the woods, smoking a cigar.
"You must be Fancyboots, huh? I'm Alka Pwn." He reached out a hand, and I quickly shook it.
"You've made a lotta very powerful people very angry," I politely informed the mobster.
"Oh, I'm aware. But trust me, I'm doin' this for all of us!"
"And how's that?"
"Well, I know the mafia and the yakuza have been fightin' for control of the Other Side, but now that the mob's taken over, they ended their bloody turf war! And we need as few casualties as we can get nowadays. Youse know why?"
"Well, you never want casualties, if you can avoid 'em. I get that. But Alka Pwn, your iron grip on the Information Superhighway is makin' everyone else angry."
"I know dat, but I gotta! It's all because of the youths these days."
"The youths?"
"Yeah! Not just the mob, but the yakuza and the mafia too. We're hardly gettin' any new members. You know why? It's 'cause if some kid wants to be violent, he'll just boot up an FPS! If he wants to run some turf wid 'is peers, he joins an MMO! If he wants to avoid the police, he'll play GTA or go pretend he's Kiryu. The problem is these dang video games! They're making kids less violent!"
"You may believe that personally, but even so, that's no excuse to monopolise the Information Superhighway!"
"Well, it's come to this, then. Go back to your bosses and let 'em know it's time to begin."

I made my way across the street, and made it back to Don Fettuccini. I informed everyone what Alka Pwn had said, and they agreed it wasn't something they could stand for. That was when we noticed Alka Pwn started to cross the street, and Fetuccini and Ryuunoyouni went to go meet him.

Fetuccini made the first move, reaching into his pocket and pulling out… A loafer?
"Geniune Italian leather. The best cobbler in the world made it custom for me today in honour of my youngest daughter's wedding. It's form-fitting and sleek, but also breatheable and with room to grow."
Ryuunoyouni followed by pulling out a sandal. "This geta was hand-carved by a samurai while he was hiding from assassins sent to take his life. It's been passed down in my family for generations, as a charm to protect one's life."
Alka Pwn was the final one to present something, and it looked like a regular sneaker. "This sneaker was handcrafted by a committee of the world's most famous athletes to be both stylish and functional. It has antifungal properties that allow it to be worn sweatily for days without infection, and it provides more arch support than an obnoxious open-source user. Each of the laces is also customiseable and comes in a variety of colours."

"What's going on?" I asked no one in particular, but Al Pachinko answered me.
"Didn't we tell you what was gonna happen? This is how bosses resolve disputes. It's called a Shoe Tout."
"A Shoe Tout? No one's better at touting shoes than me! They don't call me Doctor Fancyboots for nothing!"
I ran to the middle of the road, and pulled one of my prized boots out of my jacket.
"This boot was crafted with leather from the hide of a dragon, and passed down from generation to generation of adventurers until it was finally buried in a dungeon! It was then reclaimed by me, and refurbished by a series of incredibly talented cobblers! It has both laces and zippers for maximum tightness, with an optional spot to add in a buckle! Further modifications can be made to allow it to sink you to the bottom of lakes or run across gaps!"

"Well then," said Don Fetuccini, "I have to concede defeat."
"As do I," added Ryuunoyouni. "And you, Alka Pwn?"
"As much as I hate to admit it… This man clearly owns the most impressive footwear. I could never beat him in a Shoe Tout. Alright, then. What are your conditions, Fancyboots?"
"My conditions are these. First, Alka Pwn will manage the Information Superhighway and the Other Side, but he'll let the mafia and the yakuza pass through freely. In exchange, the yakuza will install arcade games in their gambling halls so that the gamer population will join more gangs. Also, the mafia will let the mob use their canals to make up for the lost transportation routes."
All three bosses nodded in agreement to the deal I negotiated.
"And Father-in-Law, may I make a request in honour of your youngest daughter's wedding?"
"Of course, Thomas, my friend."
"I want you to use your connections in the unions to decrease the power of the Azathoth corporation so the yakuza can have their abandoned warehouses back."
"Consider it good as done. And I'll let Death know to leave you alone."
"Appreciate it, Don."

I saw the three mob bosses shake hands, and I knew this was a friendship that was to be continued.

Don, Don, Don.